Struggles

I almost didn't do my morning pages today, for the first time since I started keeping them (I started last week - yes, that long ago!).

I woke up feeling rotten, after having only a few hours sleep, and had to cancel breakfast with a friend at the beautiful Soho Hotel for reasons too convoluted to discuss.

I also felt rotten for having eaten so unhealthily yesterday - we had a party, and while I stuck to one pasta salad and one vegetable salad, using mostly whole foods...Well, there were pork products involved. And chocolate meringue. And extra thick (but half-fat, oddly) cream. I just do not eat like that these days, and I feel as if my soul is rejecting itself when I do.

Add to all this a stonking headache and some work which could not be postponed, and the last thing I felt like doing was cramping my hand up to scrawl three longhand pages of nonsense for the sake of it. So I gave myself permission not to do it today.

I did do it, eventually (by no stretch of the imagination does 5.30PM count as morning). I also did about five other things which I had given myself permission not to do today. Doing the first one started a snowball, and before I knew it, I had accomplished more than I had expected of myself. Better than the reverse, I suppose.

As it happens, I got some perspective on things by doing the morning pages. What I wrote made me realise that, no matter what I do or how old I get, one truth about me remains: I can be a deeply silly girl, and the results are not always funny. Feeling as horrible as I did today, for the reasons I felt that way (I ate unhealthy food for dinner last night), is just plain frivolous, the privilege of someone with not much of heavy consequence to worry about. I have huge blessings - a number of them were sitting around a table last night, eating the food I created and engaging in enjoyable conversation - which I consistently ignore or am oblivious to, because I am so focused on what I perceive as wrong.

I will write my morning pages again tomorrow.

Comments

[nancy]

Years ago I read The Artists Way; it was helpful, at the time, and I recall doing some morning pages, if not religiously.
Then, on the night of July 4th, I was climbing into our sleeping loft to get a view of the fireworks from a certain window, and went past this pile of notebooks; I wondered what was in them. Uh, that would be morning pages, years of them. I have no recollection of writing these.
Not sure what, if anything, this means.

[WandaPuckett31]

I propose not to hold off until you earn enough amount of money to buy goods! You should take the loans or just student loan and feel yourself comfortable